tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-90576996128360160712024-03-20T02:05:22.758-07:00Broken and BlessedTruly my soul finds rest in GodShellie http://www.blogger.com/profile/13347122260850590643noreply@blogger.comBlogger29125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057699612836016071.post-19567433860338882722014-09-11T07:02:00.002-07:002014-09-11T07:02:51.035-07:00GraceHelp me to glorify you in the things I do today, Lord.<br />
<br />
I know I will fail, and because of that I lose faith.<br />
<br />
I don't want a shaky faith.<br />
<br />
I want confidence in who I am in you.<br />
<br />
Help me remember who I am because of who YOU are.<br />
<br />
You are sovereign<br />
loving<br />
forgiving<br />
just<br />
kind.<br />
<br />
Your eyes look for the good in me.<br />
<br />
You see me through the lens of grace.<br />
<br />
Knowing my failures, you still chose to pay the price.<br />
<br />
I am forgiven.Shellie http://www.blogger.com/profile/13347122260850590643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057699612836016071.post-53245435567029645702013-10-20T09:17:00.003-07:002013-10-20T09:19:25.653-07:00AskWho do they think they are?<br />
<br />
What if they did it my way?<br />
<br />
When will they be more like me?<br />
<br />
Where did they learn that was acceptable?<br />
<br />
Why do they make that choice?<br />
<br />
<br />
If they would just quit.<br />
<br />
If they would just exercise.<br />
<br />
If they would just go to church.<br />
<br />
If they would just try harder.<br />
<br />
<br />
What if we stopped pointing our invisible fingers into the faces?<br />
<br />
What if we asked instead?<br />
<br />
What if we were brave enough to shut our mouths and listen to the answers?<br />
<br />
<br />
Instead we assume we know.<br />
<br />
Instead we guess.<br />
<br />
Instead we wound with our "knowledge."<br />
<br />
<br />
If we were silent?<br />
<br />
If we quieted our preconceived ideas?<br />
<br />
If we looked into the eyes of all of us?<br />
<br />
<br />
Would a piece of us connect to them?<br />
<br />
Would we feel compassion instead of false pride?<br />
<br />
Would we find ourselves in the stories of these?<br />
<br />
<br />
The addict to substance?<br />
<br />
The addict to lust?<br />
<br />
The addict to pride?<br />
<br />
<br />
The thief of possessions?<br />
<br />
The thief of innocence?<br />
<br />
The thief of love?<br />
<br />
<br />
The murderer of body?<br />
<br />
The murderer of souls?<br />
<br />
The murderer of hope?<br />
<br />
<br />
We are all guilty.<br />
<br />
We are all wounded.<br />
<br />
We are them.<br />
<br />
They are us.<br />
<br />
<br />
We all have a story that needs to be heard<br />
<br />
Not filtered through judgement and pride<br />
<br />
But filtered through compassion and love.<br />
<br />
<br />
Stop the labels!<br />
<br />
Look into the eyes of the soul!<br />
<br />
Listen to the source of the pain!<br />
<br />
<br />
And when we are brave enough to do this<br />
<br />
The questions will disappear.<br />
<br />
Tenderness will soothe.<br />
<br />
And we will heal.<br />
<br />
<br />
Because we are them<br />
<br />
They are us<br />
<br />
We are the same.Shellie http://www.blogger.com/profile/13347122260850590643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057699612836016071.post-74104247072283634102013-10-02T12:26:00.001-07:002013-10-02T12:43:51.087-07:00FlashfloodsFlashfloods of bitterness<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Lies decomposing the truth</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Hatred aimed at hatred </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Believing it will protect my heart from others' jealousy, revenge, lack of forgiveness.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Convinced it will protect my soul and body from harm </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Deceit so deeply rooted, it is hard to fight. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Almost impossible. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Almost. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
But a faithful few</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Those standing on the frontline</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Praying for truth</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Protecting </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Waging war against distortion that devours peace</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Believing there is better</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Not abandoning because of my lack of perfection</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Staying to fight a battle that would be lost if left in silence,</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Offer hope that blooms in the knowledge that I am not forgotten</div>
Shellie http://www.blogger.com/profile/13347122260850590643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057699612836016071.post-72119625017725046802013-08-23T07:31:00.004-07:002013-08-23T07:36:29.403-07:00ReleaseHatred, anger, and bitterness.<br />
<br />
Sadness, loss, and loneliness.<br />
<br />
Understandably.<br />
<br />
Oozed from pores miles away.<br />
<br />
Tangible.<br />
<br />
So thick it touched others in their core.<br />
<br />
And then limits were reached.<br />
<br />
Infected wounds burst unable to hold poison a moment longer.<br />
<br />
Realizing life can not thrive in the disease of unforgiveness,<br />
<br />
Realizing there is much life to live beyond this pain.<br />
<br />
In the sweet surrender.<br />
<br />
In the sweet release.<br />
<br />
Healing will come.Shellie http://www.blogger.com/profile/13347122260850590643noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057699612836016071.post-42264248862275350002013-08-12T00:38:00.000-07:002013-08-13T01:22:17.262-07:00Goodbyelove<br />
<br />
it costs<br />
<br />
and fractures<br />
<br />
taking a piece of you<br />
<br />
and replacing it with a piece of them<br />
<br />
love changes you in unpredictable ways<br />
<br />
softening your soul<br />
<br />
and when it is time to say goodbye<br />
<br />
to someone who has stolen your heart<br />
<br />
you are left with hope even though the future is unsure<br />
<br />
because you gave what you had<br />
<br />
you held your heart open<br />
<br />
you weren't afraid to truly live<br />
<br />
you were vulnerable, real, and raw<br />
<br />
the pain of love did not stop you<br />
<br />
because<br />
<br />
when love is present<br />
<br />
souls touch<br />
<br />
and time or space cannot fracture that.Shellie http://www.blogger.com/profile/13347122260850590643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057699612836016071.post-28275246953355894312013-07-30T13:06:00.001-07:002013-08-13T01:22:58.767-07:00HeartThere is only one of me beating in you.<br />
<br />
I am the soul,<br />
<br />
the center.<br />
<br />
I bring life,<br />
<br />
both emotional and physical.<br />
<br />
I am not indestructible.<br />
<br />
I will not work right if I am not cared for.<br />
<br />
I feel the weight of this world.<br />
<br />
I feel the need for something deeper,<br />
<br />
something lasting,<br />
<br />
something real.<br />
<br />
Care for me so I don't break.<br />
<br />
Care for me so I can thrive,<br />
<br />
love without condition,<br />
<br />
live without fear,<br />
<br />
not grow cold and hard.<br />
<br />
Care for me so I can beat in freedom.Shellie http://www.blogger.com/profile/13347122260850590643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057699612836016071.post-40643752351479768882013-06-14T20:38:00.002-07:002013-08-13T01:24:59.952-07:00Fury<div>
Hearts bitter cold<br />
<br />
Violent<br />
<br />
Slicing<br />
<br />
Dicing<br />
<br />
To bone<br />
<br />
And deeper.<br />
<br />
Lies planted deep<br />
<br />
Cutting off air<br />
<br />
Fury strangulating flesh.<br />
<br />
Truth buried in dark depths.<br />
<br />
Tar oozing<br />
<br />
Distorted black<br />
<br />
Thick<br />
<br />
Sticky<br />
<br />
Suffocating the living<br />
<br />
Burying alive until nothing is left but more of the same.</div>
Shellie http://www.blogger.com/profile/13347122260850590643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057699612836016071.post-20802247596631713682013-05-22T00:07:00.001-07:002013-08-13T01:25:44.033-07:00LonelinessI'm sure there were times before my memory that you played your cruel game. There has to be. The tears come too quickly at times when I see certain things, things that cut to the core and leave me not understanding.<br />
<br />
There is a first memory of you though. It was in the trailer park. We were alone with strangers. I was only three, and he was only two. He was a baby...and so was I. I couldn't protect him from her words.<br />
<br />
You were smirking when I fell from the top bunk and again in the fort. You were laughing as I sat terrified in front of the TV in that dark house when the sun was shining through the curtains.<br />
<br />
I remember you on the walk from the school bus when I misjudged the length of the big dog's chain. Why were you with me that day as I walked to a stranger's house? I was only six.<br />
<br />
You were there when we were told to line up against the wall because we woke her baby. We weren't naughty. I remember your cruelty even though I don't remember her name.<br />
<br />
When they came, you were there, leaving me to care for them. I was seven.<br />
<br />
I remember when you stood at the pulpit and made sure no one was involved and insured everyone whispered.<br />
<br />
You punched me in the gut when she knocked and I still bleed. I handed over my new baby and went after her. That was the first of many times you visited me in the form of his indifference.<br />
<br />
Remember the damp grass on that April afternoon as my little ones and I became one in a heap? I was only 29, yet I felt 12 and 60 at the same time.<br />
<br />
You've hung around in the form of lost dreams, cruel words, silence.<br />
<br />
I don't regret everything about you though. Sometimes you did the right thing. Like the times I ran away and you met me on the road. I didn't like you, so I turned around.<br />
<br />
I have realized that the fear of you invites you into my soul. I have survived your torcherous acts, yet I fear that you might kill my heart someday.<br />
<br />
But if I look truth in the eye instead of you, I will see that I am surrounded by love. And love is the opposite of what you have to offer.<br />
<br />
Today I grieved the toll you took on my life as the kind man listened, and a little bit more of my wall came down. You steal without regret, but I continue to survive, and I am okay. Beat up but standing. Loved not forgotten.<br />
<br />
I know I will see you again someday in some form of devastation because life can be hard, but I will wait until then to acknowledge you. Until then, I will live in this place where you aren't. This home. This family that I am a part of. You helped a little bit in that, you know. Without you, I wouldn't have understood the dire need of the human soul to have a place to belong.<br />
_________________________________________________________________________________<br />
I love the epilogue at the end of a good book. A peek into why the author wrote the story, the life experiences that brought the author to that place. Here is my epilogue.<br />
<br />
Loneliness has haunted me a good deal of my life. I am trying to understand the toll it has taken and how to not fear it. But I do fear it. Maybe more than anything else. I have felt the effects of loneliness more than some and not as much as others. It is a powerful thing that I have to recognize. Then heal. Thankfully, I have someone to help me walk through that...everyone needs a good counselor at one time or another. I am okay with that.<br />
<br />
I tend to apologize for who I am and how I think. I doubt myself which means I doubt the truth in me. I am working to break free one real moment at a time.Shellie http://www.blogger.com/profile/13347122260850590643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057699612836016071.post-85656100193400867802013-04-30T09:48:00.002-07:002013-08-13T01:26:43.186-07:00Judge<span class="text Luke-6-37" style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><span class="woj"><sup class="versenum" style="font-size: 0.75em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;">Luke 6:37-38 </sup>“Do not judge, and you will not be judged.<sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-NIV-25184AT" title="See cross-reference AT">AT</a>)"></sup> Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.<sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-NIV-25184AU" title="See cross-reference AU">AU</a>)"></sup></span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span class="text Luke-6-38" id="en-NIV-25185" style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><span class="woj"><sup class="versenum" style="font-size: 0.75em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;">38 </sup>Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap.<sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-NIV-25185AV" title="See cross-reference AV">AV</a>)"></sup> For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”</span></span><br />
<span class="text Luke-6-38" style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><span class="woj"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is one that I could maybe quote from memory, but until this morning if you would have asked me what it was about, I would have said tithing. This is the reference point I have heard it from most of my life with the first part left out...the acceptance part. As I was reading it today, I wondered why we take verses apart to meet our need for the moment. Isn't this a whole thought? Give acceptance and forgiveness and acceptance and forgiveness will be given abundantly? Is this really even about money? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I acknowledge that I have walked in judgment a good deal of my life. I don't hate myself or beat myself up over it, but I do see clearly that I have walked that path and have harmed doing so. I put my tithe in the plate and walked out to judge over things like cloth vs. disposable, breast vs. bottle, homeschooling vs. traditional, and the obvious "big" ones. Judging with a sideways glance or even with my mouth. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I wonder if I have judged more than most, because my passion has changed dramatically. I cannot stomach myself when I judge anymore, which I still struggle with, mostly toward Christians. I judge them the most at this stage of the game. I am convicted of that. I cannot hate/judge the haters/judgers. At the risk of sounding judgmental even there, I am not calling all Christians haters and judgers. I just think we..I included myself there...are really good at it, and I have no idea how that helps a world full of people that need love.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But things are changing for me. Some have called me "tolerant"...which as we know is an insult to a Good Christian Republican. But, I am no longer a Good Christian Republican. I really would prefer to not have a label placed on me. I want to be a person who walks in grace, love, acceptance, forgiveness. I want to give and receive those gifts. And maybe that will help more than judgment, hatred, rejection, and unforgiveness. I have not "backslidden" so far that I no longer know that there is right and wrong in the world. I do know that. But, I just don't see how shunning people is going to do a bit of good. It divides. If someone judges me, I don't give a shit if they think I am "bad" or "good." Jesus did not divide himself from the world, and he was just and perfect. I like the picture in my head of Jesus. I see him as a good man, you know the type, sitting down on a barstool with a hopeless man, listening, caring, understanding, helping, and just being...maybe even with a Widmer </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">in his hand. Gasp. But truthfully, I almost cry when I see him that way because he isn't scary. He isn't going to see someone as so bad that he will condemn them or give up on them. I find that picture more appealing than someone with their nose in the air with their hidden scars trying to fix someone. I find real comforting and healing.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My challenge today is to learn how to forgive, accept, and love those who have hurt me, rejected me, and judged me the most...The Good Republican Christians. And the truth is, there are days when I have no idea how to do that. But, I don't want to carry the dead carcass of unforgiveness around on my back.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My counsellor said the best way to forgive is to accept. Accept that it happened. Accept that I can't change the past. When I let myself think about this, it is so clear to me, but then I let myself slip off that realization and fall to what I hate most. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Without love I am bankrupt, and forgiving Christians is not exempt from that. I don't want to harm with my judgment and yet I do. There is only one hope for me to do that impossible thing, and that is the good man Jesus.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Jesus, only you have what I need to do this. I am empty. Please fill me. </span>Shellie http://www.blogger.com/profile/13347122260850590643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057699612836016071.post-20641555682102884582013-04-21T08:26:00.001-07:002013-08-13T01:28:35.066-07:00Sea<div>
For God so loved the world...<br />
<br />
See the proof when you rest?<br />
<br />
Do you smell the salt suspended in air?<br />
<br />
Hear the whitecaps roar?<br />
<br />
Feel the bits of shell and rock sift between your toes.<br />
<br />
See the shades of green to numerous to fathom?<br />
<br />
Stop and absorb the peace in the midst of overwhelming greatness.<br />
---<br />
God I am amazed at the work of your hands.</div>
Shellie http://www.blogger.com/profile/13347122260850590643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057699612836016071.post-32848920327596133442013-04-18T06:51:00.000-07:002013-08-13T01:29:27.429-07:00Stand<h2>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /><span style="color: black;">"Your
playing small does not serve the world." </span></span></h2>
<h2>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: inherit;">Ouch</span></span></h2>
<h2>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;">When
did I decide to live in fear of being big?</span></span></h2>
<h2>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;">When
did I decide that being humble means cowering?</span></span></h2>
<h2>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: inherit;">No.</span></span></h2>
<h2>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;">Not
anymore.</span></span></h2>
<h2>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;">I
will face fear.</span></span></h2>
<h2>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Have victory over
it.</span></h2>
<h2>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Watch it stumble
with fatigue before it can reach out its crooked hand and grab me. </span></h2>
<h2>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Feel it fall
behind.</span></h2>
<h2>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Know it tires as I
run faster to believe in myself. </span></h2>
<h2>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Hear it gasping,
starving for something to keep it alive.</span></h2>
<h2>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Today I decide to
face something even more powerful than fear.</span></h2>
<h2>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Strength.</span></h2>
<h2>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">To look for it deep
within me. </span></h2>
<h2>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Ask when I can't
grasp it. </span></h2>
<h2>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;">I
am strong. </span></span></h2>
<h2>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;">I
choose to believe in myself.</span></span></h2>
<h2>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;">I
choose to succeed.</span></span></h2>
<h2>
<span style="color: black; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">I choose to stand.</span></h2>
<h2>
<span style="color: black; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">I
choose to believe the truth.</span></h2>
<h2>
<span style="color: black; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><b>Our
Deepest Fear </b></span><span style="color: black; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">by
Marianne Williamson</span></h2>
<h2>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;"> “Our
deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that
we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness
that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you <i>not</i> to
be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the
world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as
children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is
within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we
let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our
presence automatically liberates others.”</span></span></h2>
<h2>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><b><span style="color: #333333;">Man
in the Arena </span></b><span style="color: #333333;">by
Theodore Roosevelt</span></span></h2>
<h2>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: #333333;">"It
is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the
strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done
better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena,
whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives
valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there
is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great
enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy
cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high
achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails
while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those
cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."</span></span></span></h2>
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</div>
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</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
Shellie http://www.blogger.com/profile/13347122260850590643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057699612836016071.post-25009950011329216032013-03-30T09:16:00.003-07:002013-08-13T01:30:27.876-07:00Reverence I long for reverence toward God in my life.<br />
<br />
For the awe that would make it all more clear.<br />
<br />
Not religion or rules<br />
<br />
But<br />
<br />
The humbling that it is impossible without Him.<br />
<br />
The freedom.<br />
<br />
The clarity.<br />
<br />
To lay the sacrifice on the alter morning and night.<br />
<br />
To see it before my eyes and know it is real.<br />
<br />
To say the words written long ago.<br />
<br />
To walk a clear path.<br />
<br />
To fall in the presence of God<br />
<br />
In awe<br />
<br />
Because<br />
<br />
Who are we that God cares for us?<br />
<br />
Shouldn't there be more reverence in the simple magnitude of the truth?<br />
<br />
But fear jumps out from the dark shadows<br />
<br />
And mocks me.<br />
<br />
Do I really want deep truth?<br />
<br />
Am I willing to set my sacrifice before him?<br />
<br />
To move from<br />
<br />
Known to unknown?<br />
<br />
Control to surrender?<br />
<br />
Anger to forgiveness?<br />
<br />
But without faith, I am nothing.<br />
<br />
I take the first step...again.<br />
<br />
And if I am pushed back to start once more<br />
<br />
I will continue to prevail<br />
<br />
With His strength.<br />
<br />
He will lead me.<br />
<br />
Never leave me.<br />
<br />
He has promised.<br />
<br />
My heart races. It feels. There is life. I kneel with my face to the floor in awe of your goodness, in awe of what you have done.<br />
You have saved me from hatred and unforgiveness that consumed me.<br />
I am forgiven, set free because of you, Oh God.<br />
There is no place for me to go but into your presence.<br />
<div class="stanza" style="background-color: #f9fdff; color: #001320; line-height: 21px; padding-bottom: 8px; padding-top: 8px; text-align: justify;">
<div class="line1" style="padding: 0px 25px; text-align: left;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="name" style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-variant: small-caps;"><br /></span>
<span class="name" style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-variant: small-caps;">Psalm 8</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="name" style="font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span>, our Lord how majestic is your name in all the earth!</span></div>
</div>
<div class="line1" style="padding: 0px 25px; text-align: left;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">You have set your glory in the heavens.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Through the praise of children and infants you have established a stronghold against your enemies, to silence the foe and the avenger.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is mankind that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">You have made them a little lower than the angels and crowned them<b><i> </i></b>with glory and honor.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">You made them rulers over the works of your hands; you put everything under their feet: all flocks and herds, and the animals of the wild, the birds in the sky, and the fish in the sea, all that swim the paths of the seas.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="name" style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-variant: small-caps;"><span class="name">Lord</span>, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!</span></div>
</div>
Shellie http://www.blogger.com/profile/13347122260850590643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057699612836016071.post-8361621379348558192013-03-06T16:25:00.000-08:002013-08-13T01:31:29.621-07:00Forgiveness...AgainCounselling...<br />
<br />
Gotta love it.<br />
<br />
It leaves me exhausted.<br />
<br />
It leaves me hopeful.<br />
<br />
It leaves me facing this jagged canyon again.<br />
<br />
The fear of forgiveness.<br />
<br />
The fear of letting go.<br />
<br />
The fear of being wounded again.<br />
<br />
The fear that I might forget to take care of myself.<br />
<br />
It leaves me facing the battle of lies that says forgiveness is giving in to them, letting them win.<br />
<br />
But it isn't,<br />
<br />
and<br />
<br />
I don't want to be bitter.<br />
<br />
There is no healing there.<br />
<br />
I have walked on the stones of bitterness far too many times.<br />
<br />
I know them intimately,<br />
<br />
but <br />
<br />
I want to be free.<br />
<br />
So today...<br />
<br />
I realized, at least in part, forgiveness starts with acceptance.<br />
<br />
I can't change anything about my journey up to this point.<br />
<br />
I need to accept that some bad things have happened.<br />
<br />
I need to accept that it doesn't define me...<br />
<br />
Or "them" even.<br />
<br />
Wow...<br />
<br />
I can't even begin to say how that split second of realization<br />
<br />
changed me<br />
<br />
lightened my load<br />
<br />
gave me hope.<br />
<br />
I could literally see stuff falling off of me.<br />
<br />
Clarity<br />
<br />
Another sigh escapes me.<br />
<br />
Another letting go.<br />
<br />
More peace.<br />
<br />
A fertile place to thrive.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Shellie http://www.blogger.com/profile/13347122260850590643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057699612836016071.post-40354193365833959992013-01-25T11:44:00.002-08:002013-08-13T01:32:43.698-07:00AsthmaLife is all about learning. Sometimes I feel like it takes me a little bit longer to get "it" than it should. Today I realized that we can have bitterness and anger toward a thing, not just toward a person who is associated with pain.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Kind of a crazy concept actually.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Today I realized I have allowed asthma to consume me to the point of having bitterness and severe anger in my heart regarding this horrible disease.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I rarely feel heard on the toll it has taken on my life. I have watched my daughter, the person I gave birth to, the person I would lay down my life for, suffer at the hands of this chronic illness.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
It is a chronic illness. Very few seem to get that. If she had cancer, diabetes, or some other juvenile disease people would stand up and take notice. But asthma...it's no big deal.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I have carried this burden alone. Others have helped shoulder it at times, but the bulk of it, it has been carried by me. I am the one who has been there every time she has had difficulty breathing. I have spent nights in hospital rooms watching her pulsometer drop to dangerous levels and her heart-rate monitor skyrocket to where I thought her heart would not be able to take it. I have been left wondering if this might be the time I could lose her. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
We have played hours of Sequence, packet Libby her "hospital" dog, and her blanket made by a community of women called the Linus project. All of this to say, we actually have objects in our home that are meant to go to the hospital with us. This is real. It is not something we have made up.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I have argued with emergency room nurses and doctors who take me for a fool because I don't have a degree when in reality, I know more than they do about asthma. I am not blowing smoke when I say that. It is true. I have argued with teachers that she hasn't missed school because she wants to but because she has been struggling moment by moment to get air into her lungs. I have argued that her grades shouldn't suffer because she wasn't there to participate!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I want to be heard at least if people can't understand. Listen to me! Asthma can't be fixed by not eating salt and keeping your limbs warm. Can you imagine walking up to someone with cancer and saying, "Well, Laura, if you just didn't eat salt, you wouldn't have this chronic illness. Just stop!" If there is ever a time for the word bullshit, this is the perfect time to use it. Bullshit! She can't fix herself, and I can't fix her. Asthma can't be fixed. It is what it is.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Do we make excellent choices to keep her healthy? Yes, we do. I hate when people ask if we have an inhaler at home. An inhaler? Really? That just shows how little people have listened to me about what we face. Yes, we have an inhaler...and a daily medication of a very high dose, and a nebulizer with two different kinds of medication, and steroids that make my baby cry when she has to take them because they take such a toll on her body. We are literally doing everything we can. Please don't doubt that.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I want to scream. I want to curse. But most of all I just want to sit here and cry. I just want to be seen in this whole thing, to be heard. I don't want pity. I want understanding for my child and for myself. </div>
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And I want to heal from this bitterness I have allowed to get into my soul. </div>
Shellie http://www.blogger.com/profile/13347122260850590643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057699612836016071.post-7471928376676727342013-01-23T14:45:00.002-08:002013-08-13T01:34:09.468-07:00LiesWhy lie and cut deeper than you already have?<br />
<br />
Why not finally be courageous enough to speak the truth?<br />
<br />
Why cause tears to fall when there are no tears left?<br />
<br />
A selfish heart is no heart at all.<br />
<br />
STOP<br />
<br />
Accept your choices as that.<br />
<br />
Your choices.<br />
<br />
Stop blaming others.<br />
<br />
No one separated you from your life except you.<br />
<br />
It is time to take responsibility.<br />
<br />
It is time to heal<br />
<br />
First yourself<br />
<br />
And then<br />
<br />
Maybe someday<br />
<br />
The broken hearts you've left behind..<br />
<br />
Or you can choose to stay.<br />
<br />
Continue to lie.<br />
<br />
Continue to blame.<br />
<br />
But why?<br />
<br />
Has this path of deception lead you to where you want to be?<br />
<br />
Maybe so.<br />
<br />
No one can decide that but you.Shellie http://www.blogger.com/profile/13347122260850590643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057699612836016071.post-81240004679326712302012-10-30T17:34:00.002-07:002012-10-30T18:02:30.215-07:00Tears<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">Why do we hide our tears</span><br />
<div class="post-body entry-content" id="post-body-7043631274379690815" itemprop="description articleBody" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px; position: relative; width: 586px;">
wiping them away before they have a chance to make their cleansing journey?<br />
Why do we turn away or try to fix the pain<br />
when we see the tears in others' eyes?</div>
<div class="post-body entry-content" id="post-body-7043631274379690815" itemprop="description articleBody" style="background-color: white; position: relative; width: 586px;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">Maybe it hurts, </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">causes harm</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">to not let them flow.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Maybe the tears heal</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">allow the pain to escape.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">Can we allow others into our hearts,</span></div>
<div class="post-body entry-content" id="post-body-7043631274379690815" itemprop="description articleBody" style="background-color: white; position: relative; width: 586px;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">into our healing through tears?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">Can we cry,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">escape the damage done by holding them in?</span></div>
<div class="post-body entry-content" id="post-body-7043631274379690815" itemprop="description articleBody" style="background-color: white; position: relative; width: 586px;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">Tonight</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"> I cried</span></div>
<div class="post-body entry-content" id="post-body-7043631274379690815" itemprop="description articleBody" style="background-color: white; position: relative; width: 586px;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">let my tears fall down my face.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">They gave me the strength to face the things that break my heart.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Because I felt, I am stronger.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="post-body entry-content" id="post-body-7043631274379690815" itemprop="description articleBody" style="background-color: white; position: relative; width: 586px;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">*Today I spoke with a woman who is in more physical pain than most of us could imagine. It reminded me of something I wrote a few years ago. She said she hated it when she broke down. I asked her why</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">?</span></div>
Shellie http://www.blogger.com/profile/13347122260850590643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057699612836016071.post-39804722749634099302012-10-25T12:45:00.002-07:002012-10-25T12:45:20.973-07:00TodayToday<br />
<br />
I feel hope<br />
<br />
for today<br />
<br />
for tomorrow<br />
<br />
for my life.<br />
<br />
It has been a long time since hope has visited me.<br />
<br />
<br />
Today<br />
<br />
I said the words<br />
<br />
pray<br />
<br />
Jesus.<br />
<br />
It has been a long time since those words came without struggle.<br />
<br />
<br />
Today<br />
<br />
I saw light<br />
<br />
like being born<br />
<br />
passing through the darkness.<br />
<br />
<br />
Today<br />
<br />
I know I'm going to be ok.<br />
<br />
I will have a healed heart.<br />
<br />
My pain will be used to help lonely souls who no one gets.<br />
<br />
<br />
Today<br />
<br />
is the day Hope<br />
<br />
found<br />
<br />
me.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Shellie http://www.blogger.com/profile/13347122260850590643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057699612836016071.post-16339397793268314372012-09-25T13:05:00.000-07:002012-10-09T12:17:49.412-07:00Journey<div>
I believed<br />
<br />
I fiercely depended on<br />
<br />
I knew<br />
<br />
I had confidence in<br />
<br />
I carried severe hope in<br />
<br />
I intimately conversed with<br />
<br />
<b>HIM.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
My faith was strong.<br />
<br />
It really is that simple.<br />
<br />
I believed nothing could rock my faith, let alone shatter it.<br />
<br />
I was wrong.<br />
<br />
Crushing words, rejection, devastation<br />
<br />
Things that smother life<br />
<br />
Wither and decay hope<br />
<br />
They came at me...hard.<br />
<br />
I became tired and discouraged. I was rocked to my core.<br />
<br />
I lost my north, was left spinning and confused in my heart.<br />
<br />
How does faith become cracked?<br />
<br />
I am blindsided by these feelings.<br />
<br />
This is not a <i>choice. </i>I found myself here. I didn't walk here. I didn't do this to myself any more than a person with disease brings illness upon themselves.<br />
<br />
I truly don't know what happened to my heart.<br />
<br />
I feel angry, misunderstood, judged that I did something wrong. But just as we might find ourselves sitting next to the hospice bed of a person who inhabits a place in our heart, someone who believed, depended, hoped, prayed they would be healed, we don't always choose our journey. Are they weaker than the one who was healed? Did they stray "too far" this time? Do we pity them because they just couldn't find their strength to heal? I cringe at that belief.<br />
<br />
The truth about me is, I just can't find my strength. I can't find my God, my hope.<br />
<br />
But there is a faint light. I can feel it at times. This is not in vain. I'm not lost. My God is right here, and He will bring me through<br />
<br />
Stronger because of my weakness<br />
<br />
Understanding more because I was misunderstood.<br />
<br />
I will have hope again.<br />
<br />
I will feel faith like I once did.<br />
<br />
And who knows, maybe this journey, this time of my life, I've been charging toward His throne all along, not lost but found.<br />
<br />
More pieces of my heart glued together to make a more beautiful me...</div>
Shellie http://www.blogger.com/profile/13347122260850590643noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057699612836016071.post-38441035248172670122012-08-26T21:09:00.001-07:002012-08-26T21:52:54.659-07:00Ripple<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A blink</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A moment</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That is all we were to you</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There are others just like us</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Walking wounded</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sliced and diced</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We are not unique</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So cold you are</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Casting your ripple upon this earth</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">No care to who is wounded by it</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You stay the center</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Living in your counterfeit pleasure </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ashes you've left </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Blown to where is not your concern</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You took what you could</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Left the wounded dangling</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Grasping to find their bearings</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As you sit on the cold stone do you care</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Or is that indifference in those eyes</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Indifference for the l</span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">ifetimes needed to find healing for the pain</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Indifference for the innocence stolen</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How do you live locked in your shell</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How do you rob so casually</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But the forgotten</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The abandoned</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The ones with scars cut into their flesh</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Into their hearts</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We have hope</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Beauty can come from these ashes</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We can be free from you</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But you</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Will you ever be free </span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">from the things that haunt you in the dark</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The faces that whisper for you to stop in your dreams</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Or do you even sleep</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Where is your hope now that someone has noticed your cruelty.</span>Shellie http://www.blogger.com/profile/13347122260850590643noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057699612836016071.post-83982437665538810292012-08-02T00:29:00.002-07:002012-09-25T13:21:22.268-07:00IndifferenceEmotions<br />
<br />
One minute I feel peaceful, the next regretful.<br />
<br />
Sometimes horrific familiar indifference seeps in.<br />
<br />
I feel it crowd me.<br />
<br />
It causes things to go dark.<br />
<br />
I hide.<br />
<br />
I avoid.<br />
<br />
I don't like hanging out with it, but it is a very real thing for me sometimes.<br />
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Maybe it is from exhaustion.<br />
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Maybe it is allowing myself to get worked up over things that may or may not matter so I shut down.<br />
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Maybe it is frustration that most of the time it feels hard to walk this out.<br />
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But I don't like myself when I feel this way.<br />
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I long to be fearless.<br />
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but<br />
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I fight difficult.<br />
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I avoid it.<br />
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I am tired from difficult.<br />
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The bottom line...<br />
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I don't want to be hurt by the world I live in, but I don't want to live numb either.<br />
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Numb is ugly.<br />
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I need to feel.<br />
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I need to be still.<br />
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I need to breathe.Shellie http://www.blogger.com/profile/13347122260850590643noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057699612836016071.post-6695087983964402112012-04-17T09:58:00.001-07:002013-03-30T11:25:05.766-07:00StrengthI was praying for a friend this morning. I was praying she would have the strength to get through the day while exhausted and having no choice but to keep on moving.<br />
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This lead me to think about strength. As I was praying and thinking, "Is this what I should be praying for her", I remember strength is what we all need because we are not very strong on our own. I have to feel His strength because life is a challenge. I am just being real. There may be people out there who breeze on through, but I doubt it, and if there are, I am not one of them. Everyday I face my weaknesses. Some days are harder than others obviously, but the truth is, I battle depression, fear, anxiety and some days they slap me around and win for a moment or two. These weaknesses lie to me, cause me to give up, defeat me. I can't conquer them on my own. The phrases "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" or "God helps those who help themselves" are well intended, but are they really the truth? <br />
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I don't think so. From what I can tell, He helps the desperate, blind, poor, lame, sick, broken of this world. Spiritually and emotionally I have...or still do...fit into all the "weak" categories. But let me say, I have one powerful God who loves to gently and patiently pick me up and set me back on my feet when I have had no sleep, have had an argument with someone whose heart I adore, there are too many things to do or face in a day, and I am just plain weak, exhausted, sad, angry, or all of the above. <b>In my weakness, I am made strong because of Him.</b> I would love to say that I take my limitations in stride and with good cheer, but I fight them...frequently. But, I do know that without them, I would not be the person I am today. I would not have the compassion that I have toward others. I would be judgmental if I was able to rescue myself. He has put in me the strength to put one foot in front of the other, and He has given me the assurance that I am being made into what he wants me to be because of my weaknesses. Nothing is wasted with Him. He never gives up on me, never throws me into the junk pile and thinks He needs to start over. He just keeps plugging along with me, picking me up when I stumble over the chair in the middle of the floor or that dust mite that seems to get me once in awhile...flattening me like a little one. I wish I didn't fall, but I love what this says. "My weaknesses push me to my knees and there is no danger then of walking around high and mighty." I am aware of my need for Him, and I am grateful that the things of this world drive me to Him. I know full well that without Him...I can really screw things up and be trampled. I can rest down here on my knees. <br />
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2 Corinthians 12:9<br />
The Message (MSG)<br />
7-10Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, <br />
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My grace is enough; it's all you need. <br />
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.<br />
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.Shellie http://www.blogger.com/profile/13347122260850590643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057699612836016071.post-17147167774990721772012-04-01T12:30:00.000-07:002013-03-30T11:21:17.860-07:00HumilityIt is easier when I am on my knees. Nothing can knock me down when I am there, but when I stand up...the world hits, and it can hit hard. How do I stay, become, humble on my feet? Humility is not humiliation. I can't get this mixed up. Humility is quiet. Humiliation is loud and ugly and leaves you naked, a martyr to an unworthy cause. Humility covers you with a blanket of peace.<br />
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Maybe the basic ingredient of humility is thankfulness, being small enough to see what we've been given by the God who makes button noses, little toes, fingerprints on tiny fingers, turns death into life in each seed, restores minds, and heals shattered hearts. Humility must be to acknowledge the God who knit all of this together perfectly. Humility must be the act of stopping, looking, and asking to see so that a good can grow in the wounded human heart. <br />
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Maybe humility is an act that magnifies my need for Him. Without him, I would not be. Simple, organic, basic truth. If He knit me together in my mother's womb, watched me form cell by cell, had a purpose for ME before the foundation of the earth was even laid, then what am I ...original, valuable, significant?<br />
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I want to see more clearly the reflection of His goodness, of His gifts, of His ultimate act of humility. It is a reflection that while I was still lost, He hung, was crushed, became sin so that I could stand here today with the opportunity to be humble, thankful, without despair!<br />
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Oh God, don't let me miss your reflection. Take off the scales that keep me blind to who you are. Let me fall to my knees not out of desperation, but out of being small, safe, tucked away like a child under your greatness.Shellie http://www.blogger.com/profile/13347122260850590643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057699612836016071.post-25133749821667578862012-02-19T10:19:00.000-08:002012-02-21T17:01:47.336-08:00TruthThe revealing of truth to the heart is an amazing thing. Truth has always been truth. It is like an atom. It cannot be made or destroyed...just revealed. I have phrased things, "I have discovered...," but I have been given clarity. I have no power over the truth, but it has significant power over me. The power to break and heal, bring sorrow and joy, repentance and grace. Truth can be ugly and beautiful, but I cannot argue with the simple fact that it will set me free from the lies that are screamed in my face. Lies that bring self-doubt and the lies that bring pride, lies that cause my reality to look beautiful when I need to look at the ugly, and the lies that shadow beauty with evil. <br />
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I lean from side to side. It would almost seem less ugly if I leaned towards self-doubt more than pride, but that makes me roll my eyes at myself. Who am I kidding? I am equally prideful and full of self-doubt. Both keep me locked in a cage. I want to let the truth scream louder to my soul than the lies that have infected me,* left me swollen with ugliness. <i>Infected</i>...I am such a visual person, and this is a nasty thing I see. I want the infection out! I want to be healthy and whole...at least I want that most days...or maybe the <i>truth</i> is, not very many days do I feel like facing these lies that haunt me because it will hurt to have the infection removed, lanced, cleansed, the dead cut away.<br />
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The process to replace one lie with truth, point by point, pen to paper, words from mouth...it feels long, but allowing myself to be drug through the mud of ugly lies...that is exhausting, unsure. I want to have the courage to acknowledge the truth more and more each day, to live the way I was designed to live, to feel the cool green grass of truth more often as I walk this journey. If I face the lies, turn and look at them in the eye, examine them, compare them to what HE says about me, and if I choose for a split second to believe, one more flaming arrow will be quenched, one less weapon formed against me will prosper. <br />
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Moment by moment...freedom will fill my heart. <br />
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Less oozing lies, more fresh clean truth. <br />
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Step-by-step closer to being fully alive. <br />
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*“We're going to have to let truth scream louder to our souls than the lies that have infected us.” <br />
― Beth Moore, So Long, Insecurity: You've Been a Bad Friend to Us<br />
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John 3:9-21 (Messaga) "This is the crisis we're in: God-light streamed into the world, but men and women everywhere ran for the darkness. They went for the darkness because they were not really interested in pleasing God. Everyone who makes a practice of doing evil, addicted to denial and illusion, hates God-light and won't come near it, fearing a painful exposure. But anyone working and living in truth and reality welcomes God-light so the work can be seen for the God-work it is."<br />
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John 8:31-32 (Message) Then Jesus turned to the Jews who had claimed to believe in him. "If you stick with this, living out what I tell you, you are my disciples for sure. Then you will experience for yourselves the truth, and the truth will free you."Shellie http://www.blogger.com/profile/13347122260850590643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057699612836016071.post-16624529135035239642012-02-18T11:36:00.000-08:002012-02-19T10:20:28.052-08:00BrokenI wake, and I am still broken. My whole face and Evan's hair damp with my tears. He asks me why I have a tear. He only seems to notice the one sliding down my cheek.<br />
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"Because I love you so much," I whisper, half-moon quotation marks around my words, just like I taught him. I look into his green eyes, and the dam breaks again, He struggles to stay...struggles to leave and play with his brother. He slips the soft cream blanket on my lap and slips off my lap, smiles at me, and runs off to play. <br />
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My tears aren't sadness. I have no idea why I am crying, why I feel broken. I guess sometimes the body just needs to release, and I don't need to make a list of reasons. They are there. No one can debate that, but rather than list them, I will let the whys slip from eyes to be held by the one who treasures them, holds them safe, doesn't let them dry to salt in vain. The one who understands the cracks so I don't have to.<br />
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And I smile. Thankful that the pressure-cooker valve has not exploded to scald and harm but that there is peace that comes from the slow, calm release that happens when a heart is open enough to be cleansed by tears. It is beautiful day. My heart feels and is fully alive.<br />
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Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4<br />
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Because...without mourning, there is no comfort.Shellie http://www.blogger.com/profile/13347122260850590643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057699612836016071.post-88191723552405820812012-02-17T23:30:00.000-08:002012-10-08T01:09:25.294-07:00LongingMy soul longs as I sit here with tears strong enough to pour, not just wet my eyes.<br />
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It longs<br />
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for slow, for peace<br />
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to have one of my precious ones catch me watching them and know, really know, that I love them<br />
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to look and see my husband noticing me, watching me, approving of me, longing for me<br />
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for them to remember that I need to be loved, noticed, spoken to with softness in their voices as if they remember I am, I was born, a gentle soul, Lindsey's name as she noticed my insides for a brief moment<br />
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to look into the eyes of the one who has thought me deserving of their time and heart<br />
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to allow the heart to be vulnerable, soft, woundable, because the only heart that is full is the one open to all of it...sorrow, joy, acceptance, rejection<br />
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to slow the beating of my anxious heart<br />
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to be pleased with them, not just irritated over one more messy thing, literal and emotional messiness<br />
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to know what matters, and I miss it most days<br />
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There are no words to express my heart, the depth that I don't understand. <br />
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I just want to be pleasing, enough, and to understand grace...the receiving and the giving of it<br />
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to see life in slow motion...not miss it<br />
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to see the best in all of them...and me<br />
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to breathe in fresh cool peace.Shellie http://www.blogger.com/profile/13347122260850590643noreply@blogger.com0