Flashfloods

Flashfloods of bitterness

Lies decomposing the truth

Hatred aimed at hatred 

Believing it will protect my heart from others' jealousy, revenge, lack of forgiveness.

Convinced it will protect my soul and body from harm 

Deceit so deeply rooted, it is hard to fight. 

Almost impossible. 

Almost. 

But a faithful few

Those standing on the frontline

Praying for truth

Protecting 

Waging war against distortion that devours peace

Believing there is better

Not abandoning because of my lack of perfection

Staying to fight a battle that would be lost if left in silence,

Offer hope that blooms in the knowledge that I am not forgotten

Judge

^{Luke 6:37-38}  “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. ³⁸ Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

This is one that I could maybe quote from memory, but until this morning if you would have asked me what it was about, I would have said tithing. This is the reference point I have heard it from most of my life with the first part left out...the acceptance part. As I was reading it today, I wondered why we take verses apart to meet our need for the moment. Isn't this a whole thought? Give acceptance and forgiveness and acceptance and forgiveness will be given abundantly? Is this really even about money? 

I acknowledge that I have walked in judgment a good deal of my life. I don't hate myself or beat myself up over it, but I do see clearly that I have walked that path and have harmed doing so. I put my tithe in the plate and walked out to judge over things like cloth vs. disposable, breast vs. bottle, homeschooling vs. traditional, and the obvious "big" ones. Judging with a sideways glance or even with my mouth. 

I wonder if I have judged more than most, because my passion has changed dramatically. I cannot stomach myself when I judge anymore, which I still struggle with, mostly toward Christians. I judge them the most at this stage of the game. I am convicted of that. I cannot hate/judge the haters/judgers. At the risk of sounding judgmental even there, I am not calling all Christians haters and judgers. I just think we..I included myself there...are really good at it, and I have no idea how that helps a world full of people that need love.

But things are changing for me. Some have called me "tolerant"...which as we know is an insult to a Good Christian Republican. But, I am no longer a Good Christian Republican. I really would prefer to not have a label placed on me. I want to be a person who walks in grace, love, acceptance, forgiveness. I want to give and receive those gifts. And maybe that will help more than judgment, hatred, rejection, and unforgiveness. I have not "backslidden" so far that I no longer know that there is right and wrong in the world. I do know that. But, I just don't see how shunning people is going to do a bit of good. It divides. If someone judges me, I don't give a shit if they think I am "bad" or "good." Jesus did not divide himself from the world, and he was just and perfect. I like the picture in my head of Jesus. I see him as a good man, you know the type, sitting down on a barstool with a hopeless man, listening, caring, understanding, helping, and just being...maybe even with a Widmer in his hand. Gasp. But truthfully, I almost cry when I see him that way because he isn't scary. He isn't going to see someone as so bad that he will condemn them or give up on them. I find that picture more appealing than someone with their nose in the air with their hidden scars trying to fix someone. I find real comforting and healing.

My challenge today is to learn how to forgive, accept, and love those who have hurt me, rejected me, and judged me the most...The Good Republican Christians. And the truth is, there are days when I have no idea how to do that. But, I don't want to carry the dead carcass of unforgiveness around on my back.

My counsellor said the best way to forgive is to accept. Accept that it happened. Accept that I can't change the past. When I let myself think about this, it is so clear to me, but then I let myself slip off that realization and fall to what I hate most. 

Without love I am bankrupt, and forgiving Christians is not exempt from that. I don't want to harm with my judgment and yet I do. There is only one hope for me to do that impossible thing, and that is the good man Jesus.

Jesus, only you have what I need to do this. I am empty. Please fill me. 

Asthma

Life is all about learning. Sometimes I feel like it takes me a little bit longer to get "it" than it should. Today I realized that we can have bitterness and anger toward a thing, not just toward a person who is associated with pain.

Kind of a crazy concept actually.

Today I realized I have allowed asthma to consume me to the point of having bitterness and severe anger in my heart regarding this horrible disease.

I rarely feel heard on the toll it has taken on my life. I have watched my daughter, the person I gave birth to, the person I would lay down my life for, suffer at the hands of this chronic illness.

It is a chronic illness. Very few seem to get that. If she had cancer, diabetes, or some other juvenile disease people would stand up and take notice. But asthma...it's no big deal.

I have carried this burden alone. Others have helped shoulder it at times, but the bulk of it, it has been carried by me. I am the one who has been there every time she has had difficulty breathing. I have spent nights in hospital rooms watching her pulsometer drop to dangerous levels and her heart-rate monitor skyrocket to where I thought her heart would not be able to take it. I have been left wondering if this might be the time I could lose her. 

We have played hours of Sequence, packet Libby her "hospital" dog, and her blanket made by a community of women called the Linus project. All of this to say, we actually have objects in our home that are meant to go to the hospital with us. This is real. It is not something we have made up.

I have argued with emergency room nurses and doctors who take me for a fool because I don't have a degree when in reality, I know more than they do about asthma. I am not blowing smoke when I say that. It is true. I have argued with teachers that she hasn't missed school because she wants to but because she has been struggling moment by moment to get air into her lungs. I have argued that her grades shouldn't suffer because she wasn't there to participate!

I want to be heard  at least if people can't understand. Listen to me! Asthma can't be fixed by not eating salt and keeping your limbs warm. Can you imagine walking up to someone with cancer and saying, "Well, Laura, if you just didn't eat salt, you wouldn't have this chronic illness. Just stop!" If there is ever a time for the word bullshit, this is the perfect time to use it. Bullshit! She can't fix herself, and I can't fix her. Asthma can't be fixed. It is what it is.

Do we make excellent choices to keep her healthy? Yes, we do. I hate when people ask if we have an inhaler at home. An inhaler? Really? That just shows how little people have listened to me about what we face. Yes, we have an inhaler...and a daily medication of a very high dose, and a nebulizer with two different kinds of medication, and steroids that make my baby cry when she has to take them because they take such a toll on her body. We are literally doing everything we can. Please don't doubt that.

I want to scream. I want to curse. But most of all I just want to sit here and cry. I just want to be seen in this whole thing, to be heard. I don't want pity. I want understanding for my child and for myself. 

And I want to heal from this bitterness I have allowed to get into my soul.