Flashfloods

Flashfloods of bitterness

Lies decomposing the truth

Hatred aimed at hatred 

Believing it will protect my heart from others' jealousy, revenge, lack of forgiveness.

Convinced it will protect my soul and body from harm 

Deceit so deeply rooted, it is hard to fight. 

Almost impossible. 

Almost. 

But a faithful few

Those standing on the frontline

Praying for truth

Protecting 

Waging war against distortion that devours peace

Believing there is better

Not abandoning because of my lack of perfection

Staying to fight a battle that would be lost if left in silence,

Offer hope that blooms in the knowledge that I am not forgotten

Forgiveness...Again

Counselling...

Gotta love it.

It leaves me exhausted.

It leaves me hopeful.

It leaves me facing this jagged canyon again.

The fear of forgiveness.

The fear of letting go.

The fear of being wounded again.

The fear that I might forget to take care of myself.

It leaves me facing the battle of lies that says forgiveness is giving in to them, letting them win.

But it isn't,

and

I don't want to be bitter.

There is no healing there.

I have walked on the stones of bitterness far too many times.

I know them intimately,

but

I want to be free.

So today...

I realized, at least in part, forgiveness starts with acceptance.

I can't change anything about my journey up to this point.

I need to accept that some bad things have happened.

I need to accept that it doesn't define me...

Or "them" even.

Wow...

I can't even begin to say how that split second of realization

changed me

lightened my load

gave me hope.

I could literally see stuff falling off of me.

Clarity

Another sigh escapes me.

Another letting go.

More peace.

A fertile place to thrive.

Lies

Why lie and cut deeper than you already have?

Why not finally be courageous enough to speak the truth?

Why cause tears to fall when there are no tears left?

A selfish heart is no heart at all.

STOP

Accept your choices as that.

Your choices.

Stop blaming others.

No one separated you from your life except you.

It is time to take responsibility.

It is time to heal

First yourself

And then

Maybe someday

The broken hearts you've left behind..

Or you can choose to stay.

Continue to lie.

Continue to blame.

But why?

Has this path of deception lead you to where you want to be?

Maybe so.

No one can decide that but you.