I wake, and I am still broken. My whole face and Evan's hair damp with my tears. He asks me why I have a tear. He only seems to notice the one sliding down my cheek.
"Because I love you so much," I whisper, half-moon quotation marks around my words, just like I taught him. I look into his green eyes, and the dam breaks again, He struggles to stay...struggles to leave and play with his brother. He slips the soft cream blanket on my lap and slips off my lap, smiles at me, and runs off to play.
My tears aren't sadness. I have no idea why I am crying, why I feel broken. I guess sometimes the body just needs to release, and I don't need to make a list of reasons. They are there. No one can debate that, but rather than list them, I will let the whys slip from eyes to be held by the one who treasures them, holds them safe, doesn't let them dry to salt in vain. The one who understands the cracks so I don't have to.
And I smile. Thankful that the pressure-cooker valve has not exploded to scald and harm but that there is peace that comes from the slow, calm release that happens when a heart is open enough to be cleansed by tears. It is beautiful day. My heart feels and is fully alive.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4
Because...without mourning, there is no comfort.