Longing

My soul longs as I sit here with tears strong enough to pour, not just wet my eyes.

It longs

for slow, for peace

to have one of my precious ones catch me watching them and know, really know, that I love them

to look and see my husband noticing me, watching me, approving of me, longing for me

for them to remember that I need to be loved, noticed, spoken to with softness in their voices as if they remember I am, I was born, a gentle soul, Lindsey's name as she noticed my insides for a brief moment

to look into the eyes of the one who has thought me deserving of their time and heart

to allow the heart to be vulnerable, soft, woundable, because the only heart that is full is the one open to all of it...sorrow, joy, acceptance, rejection

to slow the beating of my anxious heart

to be pleased with them, not just irritated over one more messy thing, literal and emotional messiness

to know what matters, and I miss it most days

There are no words to express my heart, the depth that I don't understand.

I just want to be pleasing, enough, and to understand grace...the receiving and the giving of it

to see life in slow motion...not miss it

to see the best in all of them...and me

to breathe in fresh cool peace.