Truth

The revealing of truth to the heart is an amazing thing. Truth has always been truth. It is like an atom. It cannot be made or destroyed...just revealed. I have phrased things, "I have discovered...," but I have been given clarity. I have no power over the truth, but it has significant power over me. The power to break and heal, bring sorrow and joy, repentance and grace. Truth can be ugly and beautiful, but I cannot argue with the simple fact that it will set me free from the lies that are screamed in my face. Lies that bring self-doubt and the lies that bring pride, lies that cause my reality to look beautiful when I need to look at the ugly, and the lies that shadow beauty with evil.

I lean from side to side. It would almost seem less ugly if I leaned towards self-doubt more than pride, but that makes me roll my eyes at myself. Who am I kidding? I am equally prideful and full of self-doubt. Both keep me locked in a cage. I want to let the truth scream louder to my soul than the lies that have infected me,* left me swollen with ugliness. Infected...I am such a visual person, and this is a nasty thing I see. I want the infection out! I want to be healthy and whole...at least I want that most days...or maybe the truth is, not very many days do I feel like facing these lies that haunt me because it will hurt to have the infection removed, lanced, cleansed, the dead cut away.

The process to replace one lie with truth, point by point, pen to paper, words from mouth...it feels long, but allowing myself to be drug through the mud of ugly lies...that is exhausting, unsure. I want to have the courage to acknowledge the truth more and more each day, to live the way I was designed to live, to feel the cool green grass of truth more often as I walk this journey. If I face the lies, turn and look at them in the eye, examine them, compare them to what HE says about me, and if I choose for a split second to believe, one more flaming arrow will be quenched, one less weapon formed against me will prosper.

Moment by moment...freedom will fill my heart.

Less oozing lies, more fresh clean truth.

Step-by-step closer to being fully alive.


*“We're going to have to let truth scream louder to our souls than the lies that have infected us.”
― Beth Moore, So Long, Insecurity: You've Been a Bad Friend to Us

John 3:9-21 (Messaga) "This is the crisis we're in: God-light streamed into the world, but men and women everywhere ran for the darkness. They went for the darkness because they were not really interested in pleasing God. Everyone who makes a practice of doing evil, addicted to denial and illusion, hates God-light and won't come near it, fearing a painful exposure. But anyone working and living in truth and reality welcomes God-light so the work can be seen for the God-work it is."

John 8:31-32 (Message) Then Jesus turned to the Jews who had claimed to believe in him. "If you stick with this, living out what I tell you, you are my disciples for sure. Then you will experience for yourselves the truth, and the truth will free you."

Broken

I wake, and I am still broken. My whole face and Evan's hair damp with my tears. He asks me why I have a tear. He only seems to notice the one sliding down my cheek.

"Because I love you so much," I whisper, half-moon quotation marks around my words, just like I taught him. I look into his green eyes, and the dam breaks again, He struggles to stay...struggles to leave and play with his brother. He slips the soft cream blanket on my lap and slips off my lap, smiles at me, and runs off to play.

My tears aren't sadness. I have no idea why I am crying, why I feel broken. I guess sometimes the body just needs to release, and I don't need to make a list of reasons. They are there. No one can debate that, but rather than list them, I will let the whys slip from eyes to be held by the one who treasures them, holds them safe, doesn't let them dry to salt in vain. The one who understands the cracks so I don't have to.

And I smile. Thankful that the pressure-cooker valve has not exploded to scald and harm but that there is peace that comes from the slow, calm release that happens when a heart is open enough to be cleansed by tears. It is beautiful day. My heart feels and is fully alive.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4

Because...without mourning, there is no comfort.

Longing

My soul longs as I sit here with tears strong enough to pour, not just wet my eyes.

It longs

for slow, for peace

to have one of my precious ones catch me watching them and know, really know, that I love them

to look and see my husband noticing me, watching me, approving of me, longing for me

for them to remember that I need to be loved, noticed, spoken to with softness in their voices as if they remember I am, I was born, a gentle soul, Lindsey's name as she noticed my insides for a brief moment

to look into the eyes of the one who has thought me deserving of their time and heart

to allow the heart to be vulnerable, soft, woundable, because the only heart that is full is the one open to all of it...sorrow, joy, acceptance, rejection

to slow the beating of my anxious heart

to be pleased with them, not just irritated over one more messy thing, literal and emotional messiness

to know what matters, and I miss it most days

There are no words to express my heart, the depth that I don't understand.

I just want to be pleasing, enough, and to understand grace...the receiving and the giving of it

to see life in slow motion...not miss it

to see the best in all of them...and me

to breathe in fresh cool peace.