Grace

Help me to glorify you in the things I do today, Lord.

I know I will fail, and because of that I lose faith.

I don't want a shaky faith.

I want confidence in who I am in you.

Help me remember who I am because of who YOU are.

You are sovereign
loving
forgiving
just
kind.

Your eyes look for the good in me.

You see me through the lens of grace.

Knowing my failures, you still chose to pay the price.

I am forgiven.

Ask

Who do they think they are?

What if they did it my way?

When will they be more like me?

Where did they learn that was acceptable?

Why do they make that choice?


If they would just quit.

If they would just exercise.

If they would just go to church.

If they would just try harder.


What if we stopped pointing our invisible fingers into the faces?

What if we asked instead?

What if we were brave enough to shut our mouths and listen to the answers?


Instead we assume we know.

Instead we guess.

Instead we wound with our "knowledge."


If we were silent?

If we quieted our preconceived ideas?

If we looked into the eyes of all of us?


Would a piece of us connect to them?

Would we feel compassion instead of false pride?

Would we find ourselves in the stories of these?


The addict to substance?

The addict to lust?

The addict to pride?


The thief of possessions?

The thief of innocence?

The thief of love?


The murderer of body?

The murderer of souls?

The murderer of hope?


We are all guilty.

We are all wounded.

We are them.

They are us.


We all have a story that needs to be heard

Not filtered through judgement and pride

But filtered through compassion and love.


Stop the labels!

Look into the eyes of the soul!

Listen to the source of the pain!


And when we are brave enough to do this

The questions will disappear.

Tenderness will soothe.

And we will heal.


Because we are them

They are us

We are the same.

Flashfloods

Flashfloods of bitterness

Lies decomposing the truth

Hatred aimed at hatred 

Believing it will protect my heart from others' jealousy, revenge, lack of forgiveness.

Convinced it will protect my soul and body from harm 

Deceit so deeply rooted, it is hard to fight. 

Almost impossible. 

Almost. 

But a faithful few

Those standing on the frontline

Praying for truth

Protecting 

Waging war against distortion that devours peace

Believing there is better

Not abandoning because of my lack of perfection

Staying to fight a battle that would be lost if left in silence,

Offer hope that blooms in the knowledge that I am not forgotten

Release

Hatred, anger, and bitterness.

Sadness, loss, and loneliness.

Understandably.

Oozed from pores miles away.

Tangible.

So thick it touched others in their core.

And then limits were reached.

Infected wounds burst unable to hold poison a moment longer.

Realizing life can not thrive in the disease of unforgiveness,

Realizing there is much life to live beyond this pain.

In the sweet surrender.

In the sweet release.

Healing will come.

Goodbye

love

it costs

and fractures

taking a piece of you

and replacing it with a piece of them

love changes you in unpredictable ways

softening your soul

and when it is time to say goodbye

to someone who has stolen your heart

you are left with hope even though the future is unsure

because you gave what you had

you held your heart open

you weren't afraid to truly live

you were vulnerable, real, and raw

the pain of love did not stop you

because

when love is present

souls touch

and time or space cannot fracture that.

Heart

There is only one of me beating in you.

I am the soul,

the center.

I bring life,

both emotional and physical.

I am not indestructible.

I will not work right if I am not cared for.

I feel the weight of this world.

I feel the need for something deeper,

something lasting,

something real.

Care for me so I don't break.

Care for me so I can thrive,

love without condition,

live without fear,

not grow cold and hard.

Care for me so I can beat in freedom.

Fury

Hearts bitter cold

Violent

Slicing

Dicing

To bone

And deeper.

Lies planted deep

Cutting off air

Fury strangulating flesh.

Truth buried in dark depths.

Tar oozing

Distorted black

Thick

Sticky

Suffocating the living

Burying alive until nothing is left but more of the same.

Loneliness

I'm sure there were times before my memory that you played your cruel game. There has to be. The tears come too quickly at times when I see certain things, things that cut to the core and leave me not understanding.

There is a first memory of you though. It was in the trailer park. We were alone with strangers.  I was only three, and he was only two. He was a baby...and so was I. I couldn't protect him from her words.

You were smirking when I fell from the top bunk and again in the fort. You were laughing as I sat terrified in front of the TV in that dark house when the sun was shining through the curtains.

I remember you on the walk from the school bus when I misjudged the length of the big dog's chain. Why were you with me that day as I walked to a stranger's house? I was only six.

You were there when we were told to line up against the wall because we woke her baby. We weren't naughty. I remember your cruelty even though I don't remember her name.

When they came, you were there, leaving me to care for them. I was seven.

I remember when you stood at the pulpit and made sure no one was involved and insured everyone whispered.

You punched me in the gut when she knocked and I still bleed. I handed over my new baby and went after her. That was the first of many times you visited me in the form of  his indifference.

Remember the damp grass on that April afternoon as my little ones and I became one in a heap? I was only 29, yet I felt 12 and 60 at the same time.

You've hung around in the form of lost dreams, cruel words, silence.

I don't regret everything about you though. Sometimes you did the right thing. Like the times I ran away and you met me on the road. I didn't like you, so I turned around.

I have realized that the fear of you invites you into my soul. I have survived your torcherous acts, yet I fear that you might kill my heart someday.

But if I look truth in the eye instead of you, I will see that I am surrounded by love. And love is the opposite of what you have to offer.

Today I grieved the toll you took on my life as the kind man listened, and a little bit more of my wall came down. You steal without regret, but I continue to survive, and I am okay. Beat up but standing. Loved not forgotten.

I know I will see you again someday in some form of devastation because life can be hard, but I will wait until then to acknowledge you. Until then, I will live in this place where you aren't. This home. This family that I am a part of. You helped a little bit in that, you know. Without you, I wouldn't have understood the dire need of the human soul to have a place to belong.
_________________________________________________________________________________
I love the epilogue at the end of a good book. A peek into why the author wrote the story, the life experiences that brought the author to that place. Here is my epilogue.

Loneliness has haunted me a good deal of my life. I am trying to understand the toll it has taken and how to not fear it. But I do fear it. Maybe more than anything else. I have felt the effects of loneliness more than some and not as much as others. It is a powerful thing that I have to recognize. Then heal. Thankfully, I have someone to help me walk through that...everyone needs a good counselor at one time or another. I am okay with that.

I tend to apologize for who I am and how I think. I doubt myself which means I doubt the truth in me. I am working to break free one real moment at a time.

Judge

^{Luke 6:37-38}  “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. ³⁸ Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

This is one that I could maybe quote from memory, but until this morning if you would have asked me what it was about, I would have said tithing. This is the reference point I have heard it from most of my life with the first part left out...the acceptance part. As I was reading it today, I wondered why we take verses apart to meet our need for the moment. Isn't this a whole thought? Give acceptance and forgiveness and acceptance and forgiveness will be given abundantly? Is this really even about money? 

I acknowledge that I have walked in judgment a good deal of my life. I don't hate myself or beat myself up over it, but I do see clearly that I have walked that path and have harmed doing so. I put my tithe in the plate and walked out to judge over things like cloth vs. disposable, breast vs. bottle, homeschooling vs. traditional, and the obvious "big" ones. Judging with a sideways glance or even with my mouth. 

I wonder if I have judged more than most, because my passion has changed dramatically. I cannot stomach myself when I judge anymore, which I still struggle with, mostly toward Christians. I judge them the most at this stage of the game. I am convicted of that. I cannot hate/judge the haters/judgers. At the risk of sounding judgmental even there, I am not calling all Christians haters and judgers. I just think we..I included myself there...are really good at it, and I have no idea how that helps a world full of people that need love.

But things are changing for me. Some have called me "tolerant"...which as we know is an insult to a Good Christian Republican. But, I am no longer a Good Christian Republican. I really would prefer to not have a label placed on me. I want to be a person who walks in grace, love, acceptance, forgiveness. I want to give and receive those gifts. And maybe that will help more than judgment, hatred, rejection, and unforgiveness. I have not "backslidden" so far that I no longer know that there is right and wrong in the world. I do know that. But, I just don't see how shunning people is going to do a bit of good. It divides. If someone judges me, I don't give a shit if they think I am "bad" or "good." Jesus did not divide himself from the world, and he was just and perfect. I like the picture in my head of Jesus. I see him as a good man, you know the type, sitting down on a barstool with a hopeless man, listening, caring, understanding, helping, and just being...maybe even with a Widmer in his hand. Gasp. But truthfully, I almost cry when I see him that way because he isn't scary. He isn't going to see someone as so bad that he will condemn them or give up on them. I find that picture more appealing than someone with their nose in the air with their hidden scars trying to fix someone. I find real comforting and healing.

My challenge today is to learn how to forgive, accept, and love those who have hurt me, rejected me, and judged me the most...The Good Republican Christians. And the truth is, there are days when I have no idea how to do that. But, I don't want to carry the dead carcass of unforgiveness around on my back.

My counsellor said the best way to forgive is to accept. Accept that it happened. Accept that I can't change the past. When I let myself think about this, it is so clear to me, but then I let myself slip off that realization and fall to what I hate most. 

Without love I am bankrupt, and forgiving Christians is not exempt from that. I don't want to harm with my judgment and yet I do. There is only one hope for me to do that impossible thing, and that is the good man Jesus.

Jesus, only you have what I need to do this. I am empty. Please fill me. 

Sea

For God so loved the world...

See the proof when you rest?

Do you smell the salt suspended in air?

Hear the whitecaps roar?

Feel the bits of shell and rock sift between your toes.

See the shades of green to numerous to fathom?

Stop and absorb the peace in the midst of overwhelming greatness.
---
God I am amazed at the work of your hands.

Stand

"Your playing small does not serve the world." 

Ouch

When did I decide to live in fear of being big?

When did I decide that being humble means cowering?

No.

Not anymore.

I will face fear.

Have victory over it.

Watch it stumble with fatigue before it can reach out its crooked hand and grab me. 

Feel it fall behind.

Know it tires as I run faster to believe in myself. 

Hear it gasping, starving for something to keep it alive.

Today I decide to face something even more powerful than fear.

Strength.

To look for it deep within me. 

Ask when I can't grasp it. 

I am strong. 

I choose to believe in myself.

I choose to succeed.

I choose to stand.

I choose to believe the truth.

Our Deepest Fear by Marianne Williamson

 “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Man in the Arena by Theodore Roosevelt

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."

Reverence

I long for reverence toward God in my life.

For the awe that would make it all more clear.

Not religion or rules

But

The humbling that it is impossible without Him.

The freedom.

The clarity.

To lay the sacrifice on the alter morning and night.

To see it before my eyes and know it is real.

To say the words written long ago.

To walk a clear path.

To fall in the presence of God

In awe

Because

Who are we that God cares for us?

Shouldn't there be more reverence in the simple magnitude of the truth?

But fear jumps out from the dark shadows

And mocks me.

Do I really want deep truth?

Am I willing to set my sacrifice before him?

To move from

Known to unknown?

Control to surrender?

Anger to forgiveness?

But without faith, I am nothing.

I take the first step...again.

And if I am pushed back to start once more

I will continue to prevail

With His strength.

He will lead me.

Never leave me.

He has promised.

My heart races. It feels. There is life. I kneel with my face to the floor in awe of your goodness, in awe of what you have done.
You have saved me from hatred and unforgiveness that consumed me.
I am forgiven, set free because of you, Oh God.
There is no place for me to go but into your presence.

Psalm 8

Lord, our Lord how majestic is your name in all the earth!

You have set your glory in the heavens.

Through the praise of children and infants you have established a stronghold against your enemies, to silence the foe and the avenger.

When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is mankind that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them?

You have made them a little lower than the angels and crowned them with glory and honor.

You made them rulers over the works of your hands; you put everything under their feet: all flocks and herds, and the animals of the wild, the birds in the sky, and the fish in the sea, all that swim the paths of the seas.

Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!

Forgiveness...Again

Counselling...

Gotta love it.

It leaves me exhausted.

It leaves me hopeful.

It leaves me facing this jagged canyon again.

The fear of forgiveness.

The fear of letting go.

The fear of being wounded again.

The fear that I might forget to take care of myself.

It leaves me facing the battle of lies that says forgiveness is giving in to them, letting them win.

But it isn't,

and

I don't want to be bitter.

There is no healing there.

I have walked on the stones of bitterness far too many times.

I know them intimately,

but

I want to be free.

So today...

I realized, at least in part, forgiveness starts with acceptance.

I can't change anything about my journey up to this point.

I need to accept that some bad things have happened.

I need to accept that it doesn't define me...

Or "them" even.

Wow...

I can't even begin to say how that split second of realization

changed me

lightened my load

gave me hope.

I could literally see stuff falling off of me.

Clarity

Another sigh escapes me.

Another letting go.

More peace.

A fertile place to thrive.

Asthma

Life is all about learning. Sometimes I feel like it takes me a little bit longer to get "it" than it should. Today I realized that we can have bitterness and anger toward a thing, not just toward a person who is associated with pain.

Kind of a crazy concept actually.

Today I realized I have allowed asthma to consume me to the point of having bitterness and severe anger in my heart regarding this horrible disease.

I rarely feel heard on the toll it has taken on my life. I have watched my daughter, the person I gave birth to, the person I would lay down my life for, suffer at the hands of this chronic illness.

It is a chronic illness. Very few seem to get that. If she had cancer, diabetes, or some other juvenile disease people would stand up and take notice. But asthma...it's no big deal.

I have carried this burden alone. Others have helped shoulder it at times, but the bulk of it, it has been carried by me. I am the one who has been there every time she has had difficulty breathing. I have spent nights in hospital rooms watching her pulsometer drop to dangerous levels and her heart-rate monitor skyrocket to where I thought her heart would not be able to take it. I have been left wondering if this might be the time I could lose her. 

We have played hours of Sequence, packet Libby her "hospital" dog, and her blanket made by a community of women called the Linus project. All of this to say, we actually have objects in our home that are meant to go to the hospital with us. This is real. It is not something we have made up.

I have argued with emergency room nurses and doctors who take me for a fool because I don't have a degree when in reality, I know more than they do about asthma. I am not blowing smoke when I say that. It is true. I have argued with teachers that she hasn't missed school because she wants to but because she has been struggling moment by moment to get air into her lungs. I have argued that her grades shouldn't suffer because she wasn't there to participate!

I want to be heard  at least if people can't understand. Listen to me! Asthma can't be fixed by not eating salt and keeping your limbs warm. Can you imagine walking up to someone with cancer and saying, "Well, Laura, if you just didn't eat salt, you wouldn't have this chronic illness. Just stop!" If there is ever a time for the word bullshit, this is the perfect time to use it. Bullshit! She can't fix herself, and I can't fix her. Asthma can't be fixed. It is what it is.

Do we make excellent choices to keep her healthy? Yes, we do. I hate when people ask if we have an inhaler at home. An inhaler? Really? That just shows how little people have listened to me about what we face. Yes, we have an inhaler...and a daily medication of a very high dose, and a nebulizer with two different kinds of medication, and steroids that make my baby cry when she has to take them because they take such a toll on her body. We are literally doing everything we can. Please don't doubt that.

I want to scream. I want to curse. But most of all I just want to sit here and cry. I just want to be seen in this whole thing, to be heard. I don't want pity. I want understanding for my child and for myself. 

And I want to heal from this bitterness I have allowed to get into my soul. 

Lies

Why lie and cut deeper than you already have?

Why not finally be courageous enough to speak the truth?

Why cause tears to fall when there are no tears left?

A selfish heart is no heart at all.

STOP

Accept your choices as that.

Your choices.

Stop blaming others.

No one separated you from your life except you.

It is time to take responsibility.

It is time to heal

First yourself

And then

Maybe someday

The broken hearts you've left behind..

Or you can choose to stay.

Continue to lie.

Continue to blame.

But why?

Has this path of deception lead you to where you want to be?

Maybe so.

No one can decide that but you.

Tears

Why do we hide our tears

wiping them away before they have a chance to make their cleansing journey?
Why do we turn away or try to fix the pain
when we see the tears in others' eyes?

Maybe it hurts, causes harm
to not let them flow.
Maybe the tears heal
allow the pain to escape.

Can we allow others into our hearts,

into our healing through tears?
Can we cry,
escape the damage done by holding them in?

Tonight I cried

let my tears fall down my face.
They gave me the strength to face the things that break my heart.
Because I felt, I am stronger.

*Today I spoke with a woman who is in more physical pain than most of us could imagine. It reminded me of something I wrote a few years ago. She said she hated it when she broke down. I asked her why?

Today

Today

I feel hope

for today

for tomorrow

for my life.

It has been a long time since hope has visited me.


Today

I said the words

pray

Jesus.

It has been a long time since those words came without struggle.


Today

I saw light

like being born

passing through the darkness.


Today

I know I'm going to be ok.

I will have a healed heart.

My pain will be used to help lonely souls who no one gets.


Today

is the day Hope

found

me.

Journey

I believed

I fiercely depended on

I knew

I had confidence in

I carried severe hope in

I intimately conversed with

HIM.

My faith was strong.

It really is that simple.

I believed nothing could rock my faith, let alone shatter it.

I was wrong.

Crushing words, rejection, devastation

Things that smother life

Wither and decay hope

They came at me...hard.

I became tired and discouraged. I was rocked to my core.

I lost my north, was left spinning and confused in my heart.

How does faith become cracked?

I am blindsided by these feelings.

This is not a choice. I found myself here. I didn't walk here. I didn't do this to myself any more than a person with disease brings illness upon themselves.

I truly don't know what happened to my heart.

I feel angry, misunderstood, judged that I did something wrong. But just as we might find ourselves sitting next to the hospice bed of a person who inhabits a place in our heart, someone who believed, depended, hoped, prayed they would be healed, we don't always choose our journey. Are they weaker than the one who was healed? Did they stray "too far" this time? Do we pity them because they just couldn't find their strength to heal? I cringe at that belief.

The truth about me is, I just can't find my strength. I can't find my God, my hope.

But there is a faint light. I can feel it at times. This is not in vain. I'm not lost. My God is right here, and He will bring me through

Stronger because of my weakness

Understanding more because I was misunderstood.

I will have hope again.

I will feel faith like I once did.

And who knows, maybe this journey, this time of my life, I've been charging toward His throne all along, not lost but found.

More pieces of my heart glued together to make a more beautiful me...

Ripple

A blink
A moment
That is all we were to you
There are others just like us
Walking wounded
Sliced and diced
We are not unique

So cold you are
Casting your ripple upon this earth
No care to who is wounded by it
You stay the center
Living in your counterfeit pleasure 

Ashes you've left 
Blown to where is not your concern
You took what you could
Left the wounded dangling
Grasping to find their bearings

As you sit on the cold stone do you care
Or is that indifference in those eyes
Indifference for the lifetimes needed to find healing for the pain
Indifference for the innocence stolen
How do you live locked in your shell
How do you rob so casually

But the forgotten
The abandoned
The ones with scars cut into their flesh
Into their hearts
We have hope
Beauty can come from these ashes
We can be free from you

But you
Will you ever be free from the things that haunt you in the dark
The faces that whisper for you to stop in your dreams
Or do you even sleep
Where is your hope now that someone has noticed your cruelty.

Indifference

Emotions

One minute I feel peaceful, the next regretful.

Sometimes horrific familiar indifference seeps in.

I feel it crowd me.

It causes things to go dark.

I hide.

I avoid.

I don't like hanging out with it, but it is a very real thing for me sometimes.

Maybe it is from exhaustion.

Maybe it is allowing myself to get worked up over things that may or may not matter so I shut down.

Maybe it is frustration that most of the time it feels hard to walk this out.

But I don't like myself when I feel this way.

I long to be fearless.

but

I fight difficult.

I avoid it.

I am tired from difficult.

The bottom line...

I don't want to be hurt by the world I live in, but I don't want to live numb either.

Numb is ugly.

I need to feel.

I need to be still.

I need to breathe.