Of course, I have been doubting myself.
It is what I do best.
Is this some ludicrous dream to learn to be
thankful, for everything?
experience joy, in everything?
Am I exaggerating where I have come from?
I am trying to listen to the powerful, majestic One who speaks the truth to me, rather than the one that spits lies directly in my face. This is a tough job for me. Lies are so much easier to believe. I am not deaf to His voice, but it is muted in moments of doubt. This is my disfigured reality most of the time. This is my current pit.
I sit here and strain to hear His words. He speaks truth to me. I am compassionate. I know there are suffering people in every corner of this world. People whose pain I cannot fathom. People whose pits are deep and dark and lonely...and unique. I do not know their pain, and I do not know the magnificence of their relationships with Jesus. I only know mine, and my pain is the depth of my pain. I died at the bottom of that pit that was dug for me. I have never gone deeper than that. And, I was lifted from my pit, my face rinsed clean from the mud and grime it had been smashed into. I was raised from the dead.
I also know that without it, the suffering, I would not be who I am. Would I know mercy? Would I know grace? Would I be compassionate? I would not understand the woman who sits by me whose husband has abandoned her and her children. I would not understand being cold while lying alone in my bed, longing for someone to hold me, love me, treasure me, complete me, never leave me. I would not understand how it feels to hurt when hugged by a friend because the longing to be touched by someone who loves me is so deep. I would not understand the look of abandonment in the eyes of children who have deeply lost because of someone's selfish desires. I just simply wouldn't get it. And, I would not understand how gracious my God has been to me.
I can see Jesus more clearly through the ripped places in my being. Because of this, I would not trade my deep pit for a shallow, comfortable, lifelong grave for anything. I want to be fully alive.
1 Corinthians 15:10 (Message) But, because my God was so gracious, so very generous, here I am! And I'm not going to let that grace go to waste.